Preamble
Whereas I have been called out (again!) for not updating this blog, I am going to make a slight departure from the usual topics to share with you my plans for the City of New York after I am declared Emperor.
And whereas these plans have been years in the making, and I have finally felt the need to write them down, and also to make a blog post, Behold!
I. Terraforming of Annoying Geography
For my first act as Emperor, I shall assemble a vast quantity of dynamite and bulldozers and other necessary equipment, and flatten the terrain of Washington Heights. This will no doubt require the destruction of many structures, probably including the one in which I currently reside, but in the end the benefits will outweigh the temporary displacement, and I will have long since moved into my palace above the Bed Bath and Beyond in Chelsea. It is unclear why this couldn’t have been done a hundred years ago before there was all this stuff here, but it might as well be done sooner rather than later. In the interests of historical preservation, the Cloisters can be left where they are up on a cliff of some sort, and people can continue to use the A train elevator to get there.
When this important work is completed, some slight modification of the valley in the vicinity of 125th St. can also be looked at.
II. Provision of Necessary Amenities for the Populace
1. It shall be required by law that there be a 24-hour Duane Reade located within 10 blocks of every point in the City.
2. Likewise there shall be a Staples with copy center within 10 blocks of every space licensed for public performance within the City. At least one of these shall be open 24 hours.
3. There shall be a Starbucks within 3 blocks of every point in the City. It may surprise some citizens to know that this has not yet been achieved.
4. Every mobile phone operator who wishes to do business in New York shall ensure that the entire City is covered with adequate voice and high-speed data service down to the first basement level, as well as all subway stations and tunnels. For any area of the city found to be not so covered, the company shall incur a fine of 100 million dollars per week that the lack of coverage exists, or $600,000 per hour in the case of temporary outages, the time being rounded up to the next hour.
5. Time Warner or another provider shall offer internet at a bandwidth of no less than 7 Mbps to every business and residence in the City. Fines for outages shall be $1,000 per minute per customer.
III. Transportation
1. Subways. It was the intention of the designers of the original subway system in 1904 that trains would run every 90 seconds. My first goal for the transit system is to return all lines to this operating procedure. This will not apply only to weekdays or so-called “business hours,” but to all hours, as the nighttime and weekend worker and the drunk returning home from the bar at 4AM are entitled to the same service as the businessman traveling to his office at 9AM.
The 2nd Avenue Subway shall be completed with all possible haste. As this will still leave the Upper East Side largely useless, a crosstown subway shall be constructed at 125th St.
2. Buses. The provision of bus lines and bus stops is deemed to be adequate, however the number of buses running on each line shall be greatly increased.
3. Vehicles neglecting to activate their turn signals may be physically damaged in any way deemed appropriate by passing pedestrians without fear of prosecution.
IV. The Bubble
Once the land has been sufficiently terraformed and the needs of the people provided for, we may begin construction on the true purpose of my Empire — to construct a bubble over the City of New York so that the extreme inconvenience of precipitation may be avoided. Depending on its design it may also allow for some degree of temperature control.
This bubble does not need to completely enclose the city — it may be open on the sides to allow fresh air and clear views. In effect it shall act as more of a “rain hat” over the City. Job placement assistance and educational opportunities shall be provided for the guys who stand on the street corner saying “Umbrellaumbrellaumbrella.” Once the City is free from precipitation, my primary aims as Emperor will be complete.
Other Public Works
A bridge system shall be constructed above the Times Square district, consisting of glass walkways which may be accessed at street corners by means of a card system similar to a Metrocard. Such cards shall be provided without cost to all residents of New York and commuting workers so that they may travel through the Times Square area in a rapid manner while allowing visitors to stare at the tall buildings and have their portraits drawn by sidewalk artists.
In Conclusion
I hope I have made it clear why it is in the best interets of all New Yorkers that I be declared Emperor and that all citizens should cooperate fully with my regime.
