Dear Hoteliers,
I am tired of filling out those little comment cards, and quite frankly they don’t leave enough room for the rant that is about to ensue, so I will address all of you in the hopes that some of you will shape up before I stumble half-asleep across your doorstep some afternoon.

First of all, I see that your comment card asks me lots of questions about things I could care less about: “overall exterior appearance of hotel,” “responsiveness to your needs,” “condition of furniture.”  Let me save you the time and tell you that when I walk into your hotel, I expect 3 things:

• A bed
• A shower with decent water pressure
• an internet connection with sustained speeds over 1.5mbps

I don’t care if the room has a TV, a couch, or a chest of drawers.  I hope it has lights and maybe a fridge.  A desk and chair would add to my comfort greatly, and frankly the bed is not strictly necessary, but would be preferable to sleeping on the floor.   But really, the only reason I am here is to take a much-anticipated shower, and to use my little free time to play an online game that demands a reliable connection, and perhaps to download some episodes of “The Wire” from iTunes.

In my travels thus far, I have found few hotels that can meet even two of these needs.  Everyone has accomplished #1, and for that I congratulate you.  But Holiday Inn Express in Harrisburg, PA, and Hampton Inn in Hampton, VA, are you pumping the water into my shower with a bicycle pump?  Is there a little man in the wall who pours a cup of water at a time into the back of the shower head?  I haven’t had a shower in THREE FUCKING DAYS, give me some damn water!!!

Ahem, now on to the most important question, and the area where almost all hotels need to improve.  With the exception of the Holiday Inn Express in Poplar Bluff, MO (!!) you all failed to provide sufficient internet services.  Every hotel I have stayed at has advertised “high speed internet,” including the Holiday Inn Select in Lafayette, IN, which provided consistent speeds of 250kbps, which might have been considered high speed 10 years ago.  Here’s a tip:  I have just run a speed test on my laptop using my cell phone’s connection (in an area with 3G and full bars), and pulled down 818kbps / 348kbps up.   I don’t think it’s asking too much for your rather large, stationary, and overpriced building to provide better internet service than a fucking PHONE.

A few other things of less importance:

• I’d really like the soda machine to be on my floor and not sold out of everything but Diet Pepsi.  And at least one snack machine in the building.
• Why do some of you hide the listing of the TV channels so well that I only discover it when I’m packing up to leave?
• Laundry – you must have laundry machines.  When I get a spare hour or two at 2AM, I need some clean clothes.  I might only get that chance once a week, and if I’m in your hotel when it happens, you better be ready for it!

So get it together, folks.  I will be adding to this list as I see fit.