The following list is not my creation, but is one of those things that has been floating around for years, photocopied and posted on callboards far and wide. I first saw it on the callboard at Phantom a number of years ago, and I had to make a copy for myself, as it’s the most true assessment of what it’s like to do a show that I’ve ever read. Paper is so last century, so I felt I should transcribe it here so it can be shared more easily. I’ve also seen some other versions online with added entries and included some of my favorites from those.

By the stage manager:
It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back from break.
We’ve been ready for hours.
No, I called that perfectly the first time — let’s move on.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn’t take long.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the producer:
Of course there’s enough money to go around.
We have money left over.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the director:
Wow, the designers were right on, weren’t they?
No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
I think the scene changes are too fast.
The sound is great!
Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
We’ll use it as it is.
The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the choreographer:
This floor’s fine.
Plenty warm enough, thank you.
Thank you.
The lights are spot on.
Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
The costumes are perfect.
The boom positions are fine.
The wing space is ample, really.

By the designers:
Of course all my drawings were turned in on time.
Yes, it is absolutely my fault the set looks awful.
You know, you might have a point there.
The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wants.
We have too many gel colors in stock, I can’t choose.
I have lots of spare instruments.
I’d be happy to move that instrument so you can hang a speaker there.
Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time.
The actors are always in their light.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the technical director:
This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.
We built it right the first time.
No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
I love designers.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the actors:
Don’t… Let’s not talk about me.
Really, I think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable.
I love my shoes.
No problem. I can do that for myself.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
I’m sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot.
I can hear everything I need in the monitors.
Without the crew the show would never run; let’s thank them.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the stage crew:
That instrument is not in the way.
There’s room for that over here.
We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
No, no I’m sure that is our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
We’ve made sure there are no screws on stage that the actors might step on.
Can we do that scene change again please?
It’s a marvelous show.
I don’t need this many on the crew.
I’m getting loads of sleep – everything’s going really well.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the electrics crew:
This equipment is more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer – it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the orchestra members:
Wow, the strings and the woodwinds are perfectly in tune.
The saxophones are fine. In fact they could play louder.
This is fine. I have plenty of room.
These chairs are amazingly comfortable.
This stand light is great. I can see the music perfectly.
What a terrific conductor…so clear…so easy to follow.
I like sitting in front of the brass section. Then I can properly hear everything they are playing.
The air in this orchestra pit is so refreshing.
We don’t need a break now. Let’s keep playing until we finish this act so we can keep the flow going, and save time in the long run.
No thanks, I don’t drink.